Today, I sat in meditation not in effort to teach a class or be blessed by some higher insight but mostly and purely just for myself. I've been feeling stretched in so many different directions and at times, a sense of pure exhaustion overwhelms me. It brings with it a sense, an energy of barren discontent or inner longing for fulfillment. I sat quietly inside myself today with a cautious intent, feeling nervous and disquieted inside my skin. I kept moving my body and opening my eyes. My breath felt stuck. I felt claustrophobic, a prisoner of my bones. There was no need to run because I was already sitting. So, I asked myself why am I so unsatisfied?
I closed my eyes and found my breath in my gut. I scooped it up with my thoughts like a mother scoops her baby up from the crib and hugs her into her heart. As a mother moves to hold her child close to her heart in security and comfort, I moved my breath to let go. I inhaled a little deeper and expanded out and on the return exhale, I moved further down into the inner layers of being. I used my breath to soften the outer edges of the energetic glue that held me captive and fell consciously and intently even deeper into my being.
As I continued these cycles of perspective and perception, my breath touched upon what I call, an energetic knot. It was a sensation stuck at the core of my being, the gateway to my vital energy source. At first it felt like walking into a wall. I felt a dead stop but without the associated pain of slamming into an actual wall. Then I felt this shiver and quake inside, this gyration of energy that made my hand rise and tremor. There was this internal push at the center of my being forcefully moving upward like a contraction. It was my solar plexus, my diaphragm pushing up against this blocked energy--the wall, the glue, the knot that existed along this central channel of life.
As this action continued to push upward with ferocity, my exhale pushed back and moved powerfully downward against it. There was this dynamic dual action happening inside me, a concentrated pressure. It felt like the moment a volcano explodes, that point of exclamation between the buildup and release. It didn’t hurt per say, it was slightly uncomfortable but tolerable, like when you throw up--you still cry but you’re relieved after having done it.
I asked myself what was all this about. I didn’t completely understood what had happened in that moment or get all the answers but what I do know is that emotion is energy in motion. The energy has to move. The most important part of the process is not in the knowing the how or why but in allowing the emotional energies to move within you and right out of you. It must disperse of its own accord without shaping or shifting it. That’s why it’s so powerful and painful when you hold it back or tuck it away somewhere in your muscles, tissues, and bones.
Afterwards, I was given the grace to understand that I had been in an unhealthy relationship that twisted my gut, attacked my self-esteem and self-image, and at the final stages of its dis-connection, left me feeling gutted--raw, open, exposed, and barren. Not many people want to admit those feelings… I was one of them. Then I realized today, in not allowing those feelings to move through me I created an energetic knot, a blockage, a limitation, a concrete layer of protection that excluded proper pathways to healing.
The experience got me thinking about fulfillment again… What I learned is that you can’t move forward until you release what holds you back and you have to be brave enough, honest enough, to just be still and sit there. The felt sense of fulfillment can only happen after you let go of what you hold on to that doesn’t satisfy you. Those blocks have to be released, knots must be untied, and energy needs movement so there is a new space to be filled.
I sat inside myself, in meditation for me today. It was a declaration of self-care. I took action to actively take care of my inner being, to put forth full participation in my own experience of healing. I believe the path toward fulfillment lies not in holding back what you feel but rather feeling fully all that you feel so you can clear the pathways of energy inside you.
I invite you to take some time for yourself today and draw upon the ways in which to broaden your perspective and perception, loosen stuck energetic material, open the lines of creative energies, flush the personality and cleanse the aura. So, you can begin the practice and become the witness--inside your beautiful, bright being.