MINDFUL THOUGHTS & SKILLS
9 HEALTHY WAYS
TO HEAL ABANDONMENT
TO HEAL ABANDONMENT
1. Create Co-Regulated Connections
Allow yourself to be open and available to your feelings and emotions. Learn the differences between the two and how to effectively communication in relationships. Practice mindfulness and tune into how you show up in your body. Identify any defense strategies that may come up, i.e., are you shutting down, stone walling, freezing, isolating, hyper-vigilant, dread expectant? In these kinds of defensive states, you lose connection to the self and transfer the experience of abandonment as a helpless child to abandoning the self as an adult in your own life.
- Ask yourself: Can you sit and connect in relationship with another by creating a safe space to talk about co-creating safety in the relationship which, develops co-regulation. Work on ways to get more connected intentionally to create a sense of inner safety as well as, within the dynamics in relationship.
2. Remember & Plan for Abundance
The abandonment experience in life and relationships is often seen through the lens of lack. It's also common to see a partner as a threat, someone who is going to hurt or leave you.
- Pause and remember a time in relationship when you were connected to an abundance state and try not to see them as an enemy. Abundance in relationship doesn't necessarily refer to gifts but more so, actions of love, care, support, affection, etc. Be mindful of moments of connection. Allow yourself to be present, open, and thoughtful when in states of black and white thinking. Tune into moments of connection. Pay attention to when you feel that abundance in general, try to hold onto those moments and not just the experiences feeling triggered.
3. Shame/Trauma & Re-Parenting Therapies
Shame can drive a fear of abandonment. The idea of being left is a shameful, often, humiliating place for that part of yourself that longs for more and internalizes that you didn't receive it because there was something wrong with you. That somehow, you are bad, not good enough, unworthy, unwanted or unlovable.
- Shame work incorporates healthier ways to love self and life. It helps integrate, grace, compassion, self-love and forgiveness. Learn to recognize shame/trauma spirals and what triggers them. When caught in a shame spiral, it's encouraged to insert healthy re-parenting strategies to bring a sense of comfort, guidance and encouragement.
4. What does your Inner Child Need Right Now?
This is an important question to ask and is often overlooked especially, in cycles of shame that you may or may not be aware of.
- What does my inner child need? Do I need words of affirmation? Do I need my partner to hear me and value me? Do I need to validate and honor myself? Do I need to take a nap? Do I need my basic self-care needs met? Remember, the needs of the inner child come first.
5. Where am I People Pleasing?
Responses to hyper-vigilance can often force us to be compulsive care takers, rotate around others, and/or always be focused on their needs in effort to keep the relationship connected. This tendency can be exhaustive and can perpetuate the self-abandonment cycle because it takes you out of the equation and you're no longer an equal part of the union, feeling alone and unfulfilled.
- Be mindful of when you might be putting other's ahead of your own needs. Ask yourself what you need often and regularly. Start small and work your way up to meeting bigger needs. Connect to times when you're putting yourself first and celebrate it!
6. Feelings & Emotional Work
There is a difference between emotions and feelings. Many times there is a tendency to rationalize how you feel rather than feel what you’re feeling. Other times, you might neglect, repress, suppress, or diminish what you’re feeling so, you never actually feel it. What are you really feeling? What are the sensations, energies, feelings moving through you? Can you sit with it and see it through?
- Doing some feeling/emotional work on building safer inner strategies, identifying, labeling, sharing feelings and communicating brings about better connections.
7. What is my Inner & Outer Critic doing?
The inner critic is often referred to as punishing, condemning, judgy/critical inner thoughts. The outer critic is how you perceive the external world through the lens of relational trauma thereby, creating challenges around maintaining healthy relationships. The inner/outer critic sabotages internal connections and co-regulation in relationships. This makes it more likely to light the fire under the abandonment wound.
- When that critic kicks in, be mindful if you're being too hard on yourself or the relationship. How can you work to soften and have more compassion for yourself and in relationship? The critic works so hard to protect you that it doesn't realize that it's hurting you.
8. Develop Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a way to learn, shape, and listen to the intuition and instincts you have inside. It's a way of being present with yourself and cultivate a more internal sense of trust that's not just reactive to the inner belief that, “Everyone is going to leave me” and therefore, that is how I make all my decisions.
- Notice. Be curious and aware. Practice with your 5 senses and breath. Close your eyes and just be or immerser yourself in nature.
9. Where am I Neglecting Myself?
The Lack wound can be so great that it can turn inward and cause self-neglect.
- Ask yourself: Where am I neglecting myself or my life. Is it in my food intake, my sleep, exercise, relations? where am I abandoning myself in a way that reinforces, I don't matter? This connects back to reparenting work which, is not just about saying I need to do something for myself or just about doing it. It's about setting up your life in a way that says, I Am a meaningful human being and my life, my needs, and loving all parts of me matter.
Love,
Jennifer🌸
Gentle Touch Healing
Healing through Compassion
- Emotional Wellness Coaching
MORE ABOUT EMOTIONAL WELLNESS COACHING HERE>>
Allow yourself to be open and available to your feelings and emotions. Learn the differences between the two and how to effectively communication in relationships. Practice mindfulness and tune into how you show up in your body. Identify any defense strategies that may come up, i.e., are you shutting down, stone walling, freezing, isolating, hyper-vigilant, dread expectant? In these kinds of defensive states, you lose connection to the self and transfer the experience of abandonment as a helpless child to abandoning the self as an adult in your own life.
- Ask yourself: Can you sit and connect in relationship with another by creating a safe space to talk about co-creating safety in the relationship which, develops co-regulation. Work on ways to get more connected intentionally to create a sense of inner safety as well as, within the dynamics in relationship.
2. Remember & Plan for Abundance
The abandonment experience in life and relationships is often seen through the lens of lack. It's also common to see a partner as a threat, someone who is going to hurt or leave you.
- Pause and remember a time in relationship when you were connected to an abundance state and try not to see them as an enemy. Abundance in relationship doesn't necessarily refer to gifts but more so, actions of love, care, support, affection, etc. Be mindful of moments of connection. Allow yourself to be present, open, and thoughtful when in states of black and white thinking. Tune into moments of connection. Pay attention to when you feel that abundance in general, try to hold onto those moments and not just the experiences feeling triggered.
3. Shame/Trauma & Re-Parenting Therapies
Shame can drive a fear of abandonment. The idea of being left is a shameful, often, humiliating place for that part of yourself that longs for more and internalizes that you didn't receive it because there was something wrong with you. That somehow, you are bad, not good enough, unworthy, unwanted or unlovable.
- Shame work incorporates healthier ways to love self and life. It helps integrate, grace, compassion, self-love and forgiveness. Learn to recognize shame/trauma spirals and what triggers them. When caught in a shame spiral, it's encouraged to insert healthy re-parenting strategies to bring a sense of comfort, guidance and encouragement.
4. What does your Inner Child Need Right Now?
This is an important question to ask and is often overlooked especially, in cycles of shame that you may or may not be aware of.
- What does my inner child need? Do I need words of affirmation? Do I need my partner to hear me and value me? Do I need to validate and honor myself? Do I need to take a nap? Do I need my basic self-care needs met? Remember, the needs of the inner child come first.
5. Where am I People Pleasing?
Responses to hyper-vigilance can often force us to be compulsive care takers, rotate around others, and/or always be focused on their needs in effort to keep the relationship connected. This tendency can be exhaustive and can perpetuate the self-abandonment cycle because it takes you out of the equation and you're no longer an equal part of the union, feeling alone and unfulfilled.
- Be mindful of when you might be putting other's ahead of your own needs. Ask yourself what you need often and regularly. Start small and work your way up to meeting bigger needs. Connect to times when you're putting yourself first and celebrate it!
6. Feelings & Emotional Work
There is a difference between emotions and feelings. Many times there is a tendency to rationalize how you feel rather than feel what you’re feeling. Other times, you might neglect, repress, suppress, or diminish what you’re feeling so, you never actually feel it. What are you really feeling? What are the sensations, energies, feelings moving through you? Can you sit with it and see it through?
- Doing some feeling/emotional work on building safer inner strategies, identifying, labeling, sharing feelings and communicating brings about better connections.
7. What is my Inner & Outer Critic doing?
The inner critic is often referred to as punishing, condemning, judgy/critical inner thoughts. The outer critic is how you perceive the external world through the lens of relational trauma thereby, creating challenges around maintaining healthy relationships. The inner/outer critic sabotages internal connections and co-regulation in relationships. This makes it more likely to light the fire under the abandonment wound.
- When that critic kicks in, be mindful if you're being too hard on yourself or the relationship. How can you work to soften and have more compassion for yourself and in relationship? The critic works so hard to protect you that it doesn't realize that it's hurting you.
8. Develop Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a way to learn, shape, and listen to the intuition and instincts you have inside. It's a way of being present with yourself and cultivate a more internal sense of trust that's not just reactive to the inner belief that, “Everyone is going to leave me” and therefore, that is how I make all my decisions.
- Notice. Be curious and aware. Practice with your 5 senses and breath. Close your eyes and just be or immerser yourself in nature.
9. Where am I Neglecting Myself?
The Lack wound can be so great that it can turn inward and cause self-neglect.
- Ask yourself: Where am I neglecting myself or my life. Is it in my food intake, my sleep, exercise, relations? where am I abandoning myself in a way that reinforces, I don't matter? This connects back to reparenting work which, is not just about saying I need to do something for myself or just about doing it. It's about setting up your life in a way that says, I Am a meaningful human being and my life, my needs, and loving all parts of me matter.
Love,
Jennifer🌸
Gentle Touch Healing
Healing through Compassion
- Emotional Wellness Coaching
MORE ABOUT EMOTIONAL WELLNESS COACHING HERE>>